Ray’s Anti-Sex show was probably the best Ray’s show that there ever was and since nobody in the human race can outdo themselves I’m pretty sure that, because of the topic at hand, this will go down in history as the “Ray’s reading you should have been to.” A Woodstock of its own.
Chris Bower’s opening speech about how his twin brother raped him in the womb, then molecularly combined himself (the twin) with himself (Chris), brought Chris (the host) into this world as 1) already a victim of sexual violence and 2) with nobody but himself to blame was probably not only 1) the funniest and most honest thing Chris will ever say, but 2) the truth about humanity and the disgusting things we do to each other. He then said since it was the Anti-Erotica reading, that we’d get shot if he saw a boner, or smelled a wet vagina. Good job opening up, Chris.
The rest of the acts were hit or miss. Like Tim Racine, he read alongside Chris one half of a list of disgusting sex-acts three times throughout the show as it went on. However, the first time Tim went onstage, Chris announced that he was moving to New York City, and this would be his last Ray’s reading. The twenty or so things Tim read in that portion were terrible and we all were thinking “well, this guy will do great in New York where sucking matters more than fucking.”
Dave Snyder was the only performer to read from hand written notes because they were still on two pages of yellow pad paper. He told the dirtiest joke ever: “what’s the difference between menstrual blood and sawdust?/you can’t chug sawdust” and then proceeded to use that analogy to define and justify 12 terms of rhetoric for his college Writing & Rhetoric 2 class. My girlfriend Lisa goes to a hippy school called Beloit, and she said his 12 terms (unknowingly to the rest of us) were all accurate and academic. So on that note, Dave was unsexy as shit.
Mason and Dan went as a duo next. They should only do that because when they go solo they fail. I asked Dan after their duo reading (before seeing them both fail alone on stage, if you can even call Ray’s a stage) who wrote the jokes in the comedy team, and Dan said Mason comes up with the ideas while Dan writes the funny stuff, so (I’m sure one of Dave’s rhetoric rules applies to this) there you have why Dan’s readings are uncreative, and why Mason was unfunny once they separated.
I’m not sure when Lindsay Hunter was supposed to arrive, hopefully after Dan and Mason to end the first half strong, but she didn’t show/was having sex/doing sexy things against the Anti-Erotica reading protocol so she wasn’t allowed to come and probably for the better, except that this gave Tim and Chris a second chance at reading more from their Google doc list of terrible sex acts, the most memorable of which was called “Sexual Congress.”
The second half of Rays was filled with inside jokes, multi-media, and academia. Matt Test was the first to perform and opened a bag of what appeared to be Funions, and screamed some shit into the mic, which I thought was a gimmick until he continued to read too close into the mic and made everyone uncomfortable, which is what every reader was required to do, and read a two page, single spaced, long pick-up line that probably works every time about why he never wants to have children.
Tony Mendoza wins the award for the best choreographed and most creative piece of the night. Apparently some kid he knew was tied to a chair and forced to draw “what he saw” while his father and mother had a three way with a lesbian, and not only did they document this with the drawings of their child, they recorded over a Neil Diamond tape all the sounds that were happening to make the whole experience more ‘authentic.’ The iPhone video from Lisa can be found here. (Ed. Note: no it can’t be, Lisa doesn’t exist, no girl would date Ian, therefore this iPhone video does not exist either. <3 Mason)
Tom Vale tried to impress us with his big words about why sex is or isn’t fun, why there is no semen in the eyeball, and tried to convince everyone that female orgasms are impossible because they cannot create semen. Dave Snyder did his rhetoric beforehand, and as the one of the last (most drunk) readers, who can listen to big long sentences at that time? We all took his word for it that the male species can best give (via Henry Miller) the female an orgasm by urinating inside her midst intercourse and then fill her bladder (via 7th grade science) and as he pulls out she dumps all the piss on his now dwindling erection while hugging and kissing him, pronouncing his stamina and creativity in bed to the fullest.
Tim Racine then came out again and redeemed himself with a letter from his father about why he wasn’t getting the “talk.” From the way the letter was written, it makes all the sense in the world why Tim is the way he is. It also makes Tim’s dad sound like a weirdo that beats off to old TLC tapes in his Toyota in the drive-way, or humming, “lets talk about sex baby, lets talk about you and me,” fap-fap-fapping away.
I popped a boner a few times throughout the show, which means I should have been shot by Chris, but he never found out so that’s okay.
Ray didn’t seem to laugh or smile once throughout the entire reading, which means all the readers did a good job in their assignment. I also found out he is hard of hearing, which is probably why anyone is allowed to read there in the first place. If he could have heard that he’d never let us back.
- Ian Jones
Notes from Mason:
Picture 1, Chris Bower, taken by Jacob Knabb at a previous Ray’s.
New York sucks, Tim Racine. But, you know, you’re still funny. Also, I liked the sex acts list you read with Chris.
I started looking for a picture of menstrual blood and a picture of sawdust to put up, but quickly realized that was a bad idea after typing menstrual blood into google.
“My girlfriend Lisa” refers to Ian’s imaginary girlfriend. No woman will actually date him.
Picture 2, Dan and Mason, taken by Jacob Knabb. We’re fuckin’ funny, Ian you asshole.
Ray complimented me on my reading with Dan. Hard of hearing or not, he loves us!
All in all, I enjoyed the show immensely and am always happy Chris invites me. I feel it was one of the best readings I’ve seen in awhile – there wasn’t a stinker in the bunch. That’s a hard thing to pull off.
[...] technically, on moral and ethical grounds, are bad. Ian Dick Jones, who you might remember from the Ray’s Tap Reading Series review he wrote in which he insulted me and my bestie Dan Shapiro, is an entertaining person. A jagoff, [...]